How it feels like

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Very often I tell myself I am okay, that I should stop stressing about having to deal with people I am around with. To state, my family, immediate friends, my history, and everything.

So currently I am in a waking nightmare.

I am saying this because I have been depressed for two years, it started when I had this accident, which inevitably turned into a series of deadly events.

Since this is my blog, despite not wanting to write about myself, here.

To truthfully portray the incidents, I have been fighting a long battle between myself, my parents and my past.

I consider myself alive, from the ages of 19 to 21.

Saying this because, this is where the magic happened.

I’ve been pretty bad-ass in school, always has been.

To see this through, I was a .. rebel to authority.

Now in my early twenties, my life has been a living nightmare.

See, I have this huge tendency to feel everything around me.

Call it a wallflower syndrome, or over-sensitivity.

This inclination to feel my surroundings had become so bad it caused many troubles.

For one, people immediately around me, ie. my parents, friends, brothers, have difficulty reading and understanding me.

To illustrate, my immediate family, blood related and unchosen, read me as a different person from when I was in high school and/or, in college.

They liked me when I was in high school, namely, easily swayed, very nice and obedient, good-natured, not questioning anything and just following.

Sadly, an unfortunate slew of events got me to being wild, free and untamed.

19 was the perfect age to decide for myself.

In that age, I single-handedly chose a new course from scratch, had a professor who demands intriguingly high over the top assignments, to battling it out with my parents about my new worldview, obtained from school.

Being Chinese, you would assume all chaos and ridiculous uproar.

By the time I was 21, I was screaming.

For everything I had ever been experiencing, in the past.

It might seem hard to make sense, but to write the truth, it was not the best time.

This is because, my parents had a wall against me.

Graduating from college, this leads to more death.

And anxiety, on my part.

 

So overseas gave me so much caution and distraction from the unemployment stress and issues at home.

But did I say it gave me fear and depression as well?

I was only 22, yet I found my first job there.

Always have been worrying over my future, I forgot whom I were affecting.

But seriously, at that age, despite everything going wrong, I knew I had to be strong for all the past issues I had gone through since living with my parents.

I may have overanalyzed them as patriarchal, outdated, traditional and highly judgmental, which they are, as a fact.

 

They never knew my course answered all the questions in my head as a child, adolescent, to a young adult.

They never knew I didn’t have any fun in school.

At least, before.

All they knew was I was this monstrous creature who kept screaming at her lungs and throwing tantrums for no apparent reason.

 

Glad to say, that point in my life is far gone.

 

Bridging the gaps, I fought for something in my life.

I may not have won initially, or subdued all the victory in this physical earth, but I was given the grace and mercy of God in the tale of consequences and living hope – things I never asked for.

Since I lost my faith.

As for friends, I never can say I lost some.

 

Here it is, even if my life is broken and in pieces.

I manage to fall back up.

Why fall? Because we carry all our memories, good or bad.

Through our philosophy, individualized and bright, that stands out no matter where we may be headed.

It is our thinking that will fuel all catalysts and spark the growth within us.

We live our lives with strong conviction, in the deepest fear that we may lose ourselves.

 

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