God is a miracle.

Here are the things that currently run across my mind

Baguio God Sales Limit.

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Its getting late and its been hours since I have tried to upload my baguio street photography stash but the internet doesnt seem to cooperate

 

~

 

Ive since realised you can always make your life better

 

Ie. if you dont fit in with your job or the people there uninspire you go search a new one !!

eight hours ago you were a different person

NOW you can always always change your life for the better.

 

Seriously like im sitting right now in a coffee shop with fleas buzzing around me and it annoys the fuck out of me but for the sake of wifi

 

Im staying

See the bigger picture

Why do we work

 

Because we need to earn money to fuel our dreams.

 

There always is a cause and effect

 

Everything that happens to us have consequences that stems from the root of our action

 

If you believe in mind over matter,

then

All the bad luck coming or whatever shitty days you might have are nothing but water

~

So relating to water,

I’ve recently watched Shape of Water and it was incredible.

 

Im so sorry if the tone of this narrative is irritable (said previously im staying at a crappy coffee shop writing this piece profusely )

~

 

Lates ive been frantic about the meaning of life,

Like searching for your Truest self.

Examples might be going back to writing, getting runs from the gym or say, losing yourself over something ot someone in order to find yourself paradoxically in a way

 

I mean, ive been on this sales job since March of 2017 and it has been killing my insides so deeply that I have never imagined doing this sort of job and talking to these many people or hearing retorts that may be rhetorical or heavily idiotic to put it

Im so sorry im blogging my private thoughts on the internet

 

But lately ive been so sad im afraid depression might rain on me again like it did last 2013 when my tooth got chipped over a zombie run

 

Um or that horrid times abroad where I came and went for five months vying over a job title that meets the meager salary of a “yaya” in the Philippines aka Teaching assistant at a preschool or TA.

See, if I wrote over these experiences like going door to door in Mandarin cram schools looking for a job at 22, to finding one and getting paid your first summer camp salary at 23 and getting admitted to a real world job at 22 not from your current country

After getting denied from previous publishing industries locally postgrad I had to find my first ever real world job abroad

Many things happened to me alone in another country,

Like eating strange cuisine or talking to so many random strangers or looking onto coffee shops like snowglobes and wondering where my friends and family at

Or crying because my list of dreams in college got ruined because I dont have the support or financial capacity to fund it all like shit

So you see, the real world is tough and the vapidity of it all is self absorbing engrossment of capitalism and lack of education amongst peers around you who never fully knew the importance or grace of academic society, aka getting schooled.

When I entered sales I was frenetic and lost to the point of breaking my limits like crying since January or losing it whenever those “paasa” clients seem to hit it like crazy

But never actually buying into the idea of investment.

I never thought I would enter a wild world of drinking, cold calls and smoke everywhere like cray

Not that I hate it, I mean Ive always had ideals

But now they’ve been quite broken

From the roots of money and pain, the causes of unemployment and the search of another and the self in the ruthless world of changing economies and titles and global warming and months to the future and panic,

Ive had loads of doubts and fears to the point 2017 both terrified me and made me a stronger woman amidst the fall of literal and metaphysical worlds.

I have got many stories to tell and my grammar has been rusty since im not literally around academics,

But I promise you readers and 60 meager followers I will read to the best of success that I can.

And I will write with passion and wit and humour and pain and happiness to the limits of my existence.

Heres my prayer to each and everyone to be invincible, to follow your dream and to not let anyone have power over you, choose to love others, always be kind because love is kind.

Love is and always will be kind.

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Where is forever.

 

Expect the worst, hope for the bestIMG_20180111_133640.jpg

Im quite sad lately nobody reacted to my siargao post.

But you know, one day before my birthday I am going to decide something terribly incredulous like having a solo trip abroad or going by bus to a place worth going.

Evenings

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What in the world

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.

And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

— “Desiderata” by Max Ehrmann                                     

Persevere and Never Fear

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Memoir

When I was 19, I received a fortune cookie that said, “Never give up, the beginning is always the hardest.” Up to this time I have kept it with me for sparks of inspiration and confidence. Growing up from a repressive family structure harmed my mind from sanity and gave its fair share of demons when I started to make sense of the past at age 21. Now at 23, with much pain needed to let go and hope to forge through, I can say with my head high how much scars and heady wars I had gotten through at such a young age.

For one, when I told my English teacher through a paper assignment, a memoir journal of one thing that happened the most in your life, I typed the significant story of my operation at eight (years old). To which she boldly replied how I should be all the more “proud” of myself, having been a survivor of such illness.

It seems too distant now most things horrible and dreary. My operation, my teenage angst in wanting to leave home, finding freedom in college and Berlin, standing up for my choices haphazardly and facing my problems, my lost enthusiasm for music, to graduating with bittersweet sentiments coupled in disappointment.

At 21, I felt on top of the world. Lacking so many things, feeling all emotions, experiencing the fleetingness of time and the blatant ephemerality of life itself. When I graduated at that age, I was in fact filled with remorse mixed on notions of relief that I finally finished school. Yet in terms of other things, like fulfillment, I lacked thereof any celebratory stance. As the caps went flying ; and everyone cheered and took pictures, I stood there feeling incomplete and distant.

The other fortune cookie I serendipitously received then was the quote, “Flexibility is one of your strongest characteristics, your calculations are going to be prosperous.” As if it weren’t obvious, post graduation felt dizzying and morbidly confusing. I once thought I would migrate sooner to a new country as promised, but at the end it broke and that is another story to be bypassed.

At the heart of it all, I gained so much patience and wisdom with myself in the span of two years. I turned 23 now and I no longer feel attached to anything from my past. The most amazing thing is how it all seems to make sense, life in general, based from the two fortune cookies I still keep.

I learned how you can never really trust people and put your entire life on them. You can only mirror yourself and see the progression you have made.

All the while life is anything but permanent, we can never really keep track of who we wanted to be before, the many dreams we have lost count or the image we so spoke of to ourselves when we were younger.

The world is unpredictable and full of danger, the only peace we can have is within the fortress of our souls. To be still is to have peace inside our hearts with the conviction and certainty that we cannot control our circumstances before us, how people will always be, people.

What is extant to us is how we nurture ourselves, examine the goodness inside of us and persist in continuing the very life of our existence. And even if it means latching onto the same childish dreams, fictional idealism and momentary lapses, what matters is the consciousness to be aware of living, the mono no aware that is still life.

Who we are, will always be the essence to which we live and breathe. The fulcrum to our mechanized existence; the critical gist of our tomorrow.

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