Closed flowers

Whilst June may be quite over for most of us, It has given me plenty sentiments like having doubts and confusion about the present. To lost a lot of heart is a bad deal, but to gain love and light is all we ever search for.

  • I have no family. Yes enough.
  • I have no money. Where and how.
  • No boyfriend HAHAHAHA
  • Too vulnerable and open to people. Too trusting, humane or uhm sensitive? Hmm .
  • Don’t agree with my $ — job .

Dance Dance.

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That moment when all is lost : this may leave us hanging or down for unanswerable questions on our heads. Trouble is, while we fish for answers

Some rather think out of necessity for the situation than truly give the truth of the matter at hand- when this happens More likely

Our expectations exceed our greatest chance on fate, as the stars dance

May the continents of the universe continue to gather for the good of many. Love, hope and peace – may the light and beauty of this Earth be always upon you no matter the situation is.

 

 

The sky is blue

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I just realised most of years in life, we never remember the ideas we so thought of, dreams we listed forth on our minds, people we encountered daily or the myriad of happenstances or events that go our way.

Still on the gist of things, a few sparks of memory do stain the empty wallflower silhouettes of days where we no longer form the consciousness to revel on thoughts of the past.

Flowering on the impulse to latch onto hope or brighter things, many are quick witted to admit they still are fully, by themselves. To note seasonal changes in history, everything changes and nothing is truly lost..

Circumstance is our greatest threat and enemy. These are times where we feel sad, angry, lost or in dire need of grace or a miracle. The fire within us sometimes burns with no light, no energy to keep us going on. Needlessly, we put the blame on others and not ourselves for what happened. If there is anything far greater in between of fate- it is our actions.

To run the miles of consequence would be to ask where it started.

Beyond our wildest imagination, we form inconceivable ties with people; broken ones that hung dry. As coming to a shock , our once dear friends or lovers become the grim, small ignominies that is a part of everyday existence.

We blame them for our heartbreaks and failures, as if the universe conspired in their best efforts to collaborate and consequentially, sabotage the things we cared and loved most deeply.

To escape the ugly truth, we pin the accusation on the very people who were causal and thus liable to our problems. Hereby the process, forgetting the very selves who were part of the same coin.

Because if there were really people to blame, it should be nobody; not even ourselves to question.

If people leave us, we should ask ourselves why and come to the fact that everything in life is and always will be, merely temporary. Life is too short to be ambiguous in relationships. We should strike a balance on what is important and what should not take up space in the deepest corners of our hearts and mind.

A reminder to those who were stood up, hurt, walked on or abused: it will never be your fault. Some, if not most people that stay in our lives are treasured for a reason.

  • Never let the people in your life know how much it hurts.
  • Don’t take anyone for granted, always be grateful for the things you own and the people in your life who care for you deeply.
  • Pray for your enemies, love harder.

Nothing in life is here permanently ; if you are having a hard time, know it will not stay forever.

🙂

** To those hurting from past events or unexpected circumstances, I hope you heal and hope for brighter days. You are amazing, don’t ever let anybody take your light and soul away. Keep going, never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game called ‘life.’

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It is always darkest before dawn.

 

Puzzling

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What Now?                                                             so here is my story

I graduated 2014 from a good uni in PH, after two-and-a-half years in a Liberal Arts course. It took me ample time to finish what I started, yet the first year was a road of hell which involves workload beyond all-nighters. Literally, sleep took no mercy.

Then and there, I had several internships I missed due to revoked chances, or some haphazard situation like school schedules. I undid myself from those opportunities due to some serendipitous uncalled for, incidents.

That was around the years 2011 to 2012, some pretty turbulent happenings which involves me traveling abroad constantly, finishing my started course, receiving internships but missing them, and applying to more internships but getting declined.

So 2013 came and I found myself strangely uninhibited and free as blank paper. I enrolled in creative writing courses, for the sake of loving writing since high school. I got good feedback and grades to my surprise.

That year, I also lost twenty pounds from doing Muay Thai, swimming lagoons in El Nido, and constantly running at the gym on my spare time from classes.

It was a good year for me since I was blogging at my previous blog, going to indie movies alone, taking my time with my few classes, enjoying my last free year in school before heading to the real world.

As I was getting As, darkness had fallen into my home as my mum was constantly berating me for staying in school, not doing much work at home. Mostly she dislikes my free time not doing anything apart from my school work.

I went on anyways, the usual school routines and going to fashion week with my friend or having beer with her. I told myself I was going to enjoy school at 21 years old since it will be the last time I were to be a student.

Walking in our college campus, around trees and fresh air, participating actively in my classes were the few things a student may have taken for granted. The least I could do is to appreciate whatever the time was left for me to be a student.

By second semester, we had our graduation pics taken, and I did my second thesis in college for creative writing. Shifting from two other courses was not what I had planned from the start, thus my years in undergrad were fast yet arduous enough to have nights that were long. Yet never had I discovered so many things about myself.

Bittersweet it was to be in a sheltered home, in my case, that was school. I was dorming for two years ’til sophomore year, then taking the trains in my junior year since my mom told me to.

I literally had a huge fall in the run of October, where I missed a good wedding invite from my old tour friends in Taiwan. Thus, I had to continue with school work despite the broken pieces. Those times made me overlook myself, my friends and those around me.

Since tension increased at home with my mom and her emotional issues, I started to lock myself in my room unconsciously, leaning towards saving my sanity and peace. Missing family dinners and other things, I kept on with my school work in my tiny space called home.

Ambiguity rose when my so-called second parents, left me alone when I had the incident. Got broken in physical shape and mental state, I continued on with school work, as I was graduating the next year.

Christmas came and we went to have snow in Korea. It was beautiful and warm, I even waved hello to the soldiers as they waved back. We road a sled track which led us marvel the serene landscape mixed with ocean blue scenery. We also had ski times and thankfully, I got no accidents.

By March, graduation came. I happily screamed inside during the last day I finished school officially. One of my friends congratulated me even before the ceremony itself. The other of my friend told me to “never give up” on my job search.

My parents came to my grad, yet they have no emotions or congratulatory remarks whatsoever on me. The least I received was a letter from my family. After which, I immediately turned to work applications and going on interviews.

My first one came in April at a pranic healing institute, which told me to take yoga classes to further make the editorial work on front. Sadly, the manager on my second visit, told me I was too “creative” for the position. So, I left.

There was a sufficient amount of time of lazing around in between attending interviews in publishing, missing other job opportunities here and there, to actually doing nothing for months apart from getting side tracked with anime, room locking, head screaming and occasional meetups with college friends.

During those times, I felt the worst and further inaccomplished since I failed to attend the many offers that I should have attempted to go for interview. 

Since my fall on October of the previous year, before supposedly graduating, and as promised, moving abroad, I got abandoned with my second parents. Thus, in hopes of still migrating, my parents decided to send me to Taiwan.

By the end of 2014, as worse the year already were with my boundless anxiety and worried state, I left the country. Spent Christmas in a cruise ship, went to Penang and came home. Left again for Taiwan, spent two months to job search, with me crying without money AF. Then came home.

I was accepted to two jobs, with me finishing only one, since despite liking the people at the other work, I fell ill and could not adapt to the faulty living conditions and 12 hour work scheme. It was more than any simple job requirement since you have to work even after work hours.

That said, despite falling ill and not getting used to their culture, such as food, I thanked my boss for her kindness and moved on to go back home last August.

As much as I dread going home after my five month adventure at a foreign country alone, I need to face my reality. I still wish I could find a family, as my two month job experience in Taiwan felt heartening with its kind people, treating me hospitably like family.

As I am not used to acclimatize or adapt very well in living to a foreign country, I just had to go back home to my roots. Living in a small town, I hardly go out due to introversion and lack of money.

Now, this November, I have to move fast and plan where I am going next.

This 2014 and 2015 years of postgrad is indeed pressuring and blissfully, terribly fast. It feels like you are on your own and being 22 and 23, there is not much to say but hope.